Written in 2009

I knew i was pregnant from 4 weeks. Me and Martin were so happy, i really wanted another baby especially a girl as i ready had a lovely, caring, happy son who is 5 years old. A baby sister would just be prefect. During the pregnancy i had a few problems, everything was fine until the 20 week scan the hospital said i had a lot of fulid around the baby and the baby was big for dates(i also found out she was a girl too, i was so happy but i always thought they got it wrong and she would be a boy.) and i will need another scan. A growth scan. I started to worry from then on.

The next appointment i had something else was wrong i had a infection GBS witch means i had a boul infection witch could be harmful to the baby she could catch it and have to go into intensive care. I also had to have antibiotics all though labor via drip. I was so worryed something was wrong all the time. I then devolped symphysis pubis dysunction, my hips hurt so much i was unable to get up sometimes,the pain was so bad i scream when my hips would lock completely and i couldnt move.Towards the end of the pregnancy i felt great and healthy,i loved being pregnant. Apart from the hip thing.The docter did nothing about. I couldnt understand why the docters kept saying i might have to be induced early because of the fulid. I was quite big everyone kept asking me if was having twins,all the fulid and baby made me massive.My due date came and went i really thought i would have her early.

Labour and after:

I had to be induced in the end anyway. I was booked in for the monday.I felt nevous but really happy i was soon to meet our baby girl i waited so long for, i was excited but really scared as my sons labour went on for 36 hours.We got to the hospital at 8 am they put me on moniters to see if everything was okay, and put me on my antibiotic drip, which i had to have every four hours untill i gave birth. At about 1pm they  induced me with a gel nothing happened for a while and then suddenly a few small pains started,then my sister came to be with us for the birth. I then walked around for a while then the pains got stronger i knew soon its gonna happen, i had gas an air i really didnt like. so i had pethadine when i couldnt bare the pain no more.Finally i was sent down to the labour ward.My waters were going to be broke. I was in so much pain i decied i would have the epadurial i had it all set up then the tube running up my back had slit the top up was just pouring all over me,there was no point in going though with the epadurial;Soon i was pushing my baby out.She was born at 3.34am tuesday morning,weighing 10lb 4oz,she was so beautiful,i loved her as soon as i saw her.I just couldnt belive she was here!

I was then cleaned up,my sister then left she was a great help i couldnt of done it without her. Then me and Martin sat watching the baby for a while,i then went for a shower, i just couldnt walk my pelvic girdle pains was total agony.We left the baby with the midwives i didnt want to but had to have Martins help in the shower,i was scared i couldnt walk propley,i knew something was wrong,with my hips it felt terrible.Once out of the shower we all sat in the delivery room and fell asleep,then we woke and was brought down to the wards.Martin then left to go home for asleep. I was left on my own and couldnt walk. the midwives didnt listen to me when i told them i was unable to walk my back and hips were killing me no one would listen. I tryed to phone Martin a few times his phone was off.I just couldnt move not even to look at the baby,or change her,i just sat on the end of the bed in a daze.

Soon the vistors started to arrive,no sign of Martin.I spoke to my mum and nan they were on there way but felt like they were taking ages.Finally my mum and nan arrived.I told them about my hip and back pain and my mum made the nurse get the pysciotherpist to come and check me.After a while i got in contact with Martin and told him about my pain he came straight away(after collecting our son from school).When the pysciotherpist came and checked me she said i have damaged my pelvic bone ,due to giving birth the way i did,also the babys big size didnt help.I was going to have to learn how to use cruches untill my pain went,They moved me into my own room and i had to stay in hospital for a few days,

One thing was going well;breastfeeding, it felt really easy she was feeding well.Everyone came to vist that evening inculeding  my son, my heart melted when i saw the baby and him together,i could tell he loved her.I felt like everything was fuzzy.Just didnt feel right.When everyone left Martin stayed a while,the nurses would not let him stay the night i didnt want to stay in hospital alone,i had never stayed in hospital before i was worryied i woundnt be able to get up to see to the baby at night to feed her,it was okay in the end she never woke till 6am that morning for a feed.But all night other babies were screaming all night i couldnt sleep.

Coming home:

The next day my walking was much better not so painful but very stiff.Martin came back at 9am i was so happy he was back.It was horrible staying in hospital.I was due to be checked again by the pycisio lady and the baby had to be checked as she was joundis.I so wanted to go home i just couldnt wait to get out of the hospital.I was given a back belt to wear and exercisies to do ,to get my pelvic back to normal,but was still in pain i couldnt walk without the cruches,i felt so useless.

I kept thinking this time is ment to be a happy time i just felt shocked and scared.

By the evening they said we could go home if i wanted,my mum and sister came up and Martin got my son from school.Then they came back to pick us up and go home.

At home was quite hetic lots of people and my son was showing off and Martin was telling him off alot witch made me feel so angery.I was so tired.When everyone went we went to bed.

Matin was so good passing the baby to me when she needed a fed and just brilliant with nappies and changing.

My back and hips were still hurting so i needed alot of help at frist.I do think Martin went back to work to early but i know he had to.but i wanted him with me.

My mu came over alot in the mornings to help with the school run for Charlie,i wanted to take him to school so things were back to normal.

But i just couldnt walk not even a few steps outside.After a few days i wanted to come with my mum and drop him up to school,i felt abit better getting out.

After that it all seems abit of a daze.

I was breastfeeding the baby, she was feeding well.I was bonding with my darling,i wanted to fed her so we were close i love cuddling her and looking at her.Even tho we did bond, I knew something wasnt right i did feel quite numb,even after i thought i was better.

I started having wierd thoughts.

At the time there were alot of bad things happening to children in the news.What stuck in my head, Also someone who came to vist me said some inappreote things about a baby being abused.All these things stayed with me in my thoughts.

Aways in the back of my mind were thoughts the baby is going to be harmed,either by me or somone else i would sit looking at her wondering why i thought these things,imgaging horrible things that might happen to my little baby.These thoughts have really have got out of control im thinking things that really disgust me im starting to think i shouldnt be around children.The things that go through my mine are so awfull i feel like my heart has been riped out. I feel like im a totaly different person. I feel evil.But i know thats not true deep down.I just want these horrible thoughts to go away.I am still suffering from these thoughts today the docter has gave me antidpressants and ive joined group counselling,but feel i need one on one counselling.My road to getting better hasnt yet begun.I have only jusy been diognosed with postnatal depression.(if it is that).Or maybe i am this bad person.

I dont want my relaisionship with my daughter to be like this,i love her so much,i want to be free from these horriable toughts, sometimes i feel i cant even look at her i feel so ashamed and guilty.

Eveyday i feel numb,and fuzzy.

I dont know if my story makes much sence.

I havent explained everything the way i should.

But its the best i can do at the moment.

Siobhain XXX