Today, I was moved to do something which I had not done since 2008. I logged on to www.pni.org.uk. I searched back through the threads. And I found my posts. From back then. From the dark days. Those first steps towards getting better. It’s strange to read them now.
Mine is a personal story of my transition from independent newly-wed, through the anguish and depression of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood… to the realisation that life, as I knew it, would never be the same again – not for me or my husband.
Every mother-to-be expects that once the baby arrives the constant discomfort and worry will stop. Your body will be your own again, and your anxieties will melt away when you’re holding that precious bundle. For most, I imagine that’s the case. For some, like me, it isn’t.
Dictated to and written By Cara Aitkins, with comments by Veritee.
Barry found it all very hard. He knows he never gave Veritee enough emotional support but never realized quite how bad her depression was. “ It was only when she got better and started talking to me about it that I knew. Although I did realize that Veritee was depressed, I thought it was due to the depressing birth experience and, thought she would get over it. It took me a year or so for me to truly realize. I still think she is suffering a bit – she is still angry about how things turned out and I know now that she will never get over it.
By Veritee Reed Hall (Founder of PNI ORG UK) in Sept. 1994 and edited in January 2000.
I think having a baby is potentially a very traumatic and stressful time for us all. It is essential to minimize the stress factors because too many and anyone can be triggered into depression. Unfortunately, I had so many stress factors, which I could do nothing about. I experienced the things, which are common to all mothers, which I see to be the factors listed below:
Written in Sept. 1994
I intend this to be a testimonial for my daughter if and when the time is right for her to read it. I am putting this on my web site in the hope it will be of use to other women with PND and their families or even professionals working with depressed women and not for any attention seeking need of my own. It has taken a lot for me to find the courage to put it on the web –so if you read it please do not abuse my trust and use it to harm me or anyone else. However I am happy for you to use this material constructively. However if you are to use it in any way publicly – please contact me first. ToadHall@veritee.freeserve.co.uk
Written in 2009
I knew i was pregnant from 4 weeks. Me and Martin were so happy, i really wanted another baby especially a girl as i ready had a lovely, caring, happy son who is 5 years old. A baby sister would just be prefect. During the pregnancy i had a few problems, everything was fine until the 20 week scan the hospital said i had a lot of fulid around the baby and the baby was big for dates(i also found out she was a girl too, i was so happy but i always thought they got it wrong and she would be a boy.) and i will need another scan. A growth scan. I started to worry from then on.
Written in 2008
A few weeks ago, it was my son’s fifth birthday. Amidst the excitement of organising a party and buying presents, a familiar and unwelcome anxiety began to creep into my mind. My happiness at seeing my gorgeous boy grow up into a smiling, blue-eyed, intelligent lad, was mixed with fear. For this year, as with each year since Joe’s birth, the anniversary of the event that triggered a terrifying illness becomes increasingly hard to face.
